FROM A DISTANCE

When I stop to think about it,

I realize that the pain

has made it easier 

for me to be alone.

There comes a point when it's easier to retreat than to move forward. I got so tired of explaining myself and I also got tired of feeling guilty when I did. I got tired of  "the look." You know the one, the one that tries to say "I understand" but the truth shines through and their eyes are saying, "oh no, not this again."

So in accordance with my already trusting nature I keep people at a distance. Well, it really doesn't have that much to do with the pain, unless you count emotional pain. When your personality traits point to the glass half empty it's easy to just keep it going in that direction. I've had the people that should have been by my side turn on me and that betrayal really hurt me. 

Beyond hurt me.

I've always felt more comfortable writing about my feelings. It's so much easier than opening up face to face. I tend to keep the wall up and also I forget everything I want to say. I feel like I can get everything I need to convey across in this medium. Maybe it's because it's more impersonal so it's easier to get personal. 

Does that make any sense??

After I got divorced friends scattered to the winds. A few of them decided to take sides and I never asked them to do that. I didn't feel it was necessary but it seems a division of the camps was in the cards. So more friends bit the dust. My dad always told me if you can count your friends on one hand you're very lucky. I don't expect anything from my friends than I'm willing to give myself. I'm understanding and forgiving. I'll give unconditional loyalty and I expect the same. I don't need to hear from them everyday; they are tucked away securely in my heart. 

Evidently, that is too much to ask for some people.

If you can't say it to my face you better not say it behind my back. With true friends we can agree to disagree. I just really hate fake. Even though those experiences hurt me to the core, maybe it was for the better. No one needs toxic people in their lives especially when you're dealing with chronic pain.  Some of those people really needed to be purged from my life. I think I've always looked at people the way I want them to be instead of who they really are. Maybe the signs have been there all along and I just overlooked them. Maybe I just didn't want to face the fact  that people I loved could have been so hurtful. 

Deliberately.

I've always said that people will show you who they are if you look at them long enough. 

I won't confuse personality and character ever again.