PUSH ME PULL YOU

The cardinal rule of chronic illness is:

If you push you will pay.

What?

Oh yeah, I forgot.

I saved up as much energy as I could. My 40th high school reunion was over the weekend and I really wanted to go. I knew I'd pay for it because you can't go out and expend that kind of emotion without getting some kind of payback. Well, at least I can't.

Paybacks are a bitch and it's been one hell of a week.

The day of the reunion I rested and got ready to go around 4. It gave me a couple of hours to shower and do the reconstruction job on my face. The humidity started to rise and when that happens my body goes haywire and today was no exception.  It took me forever to put on makeup. I didn't want to look like a clown and my hands were just not cooperating.  I could feel the old familiar ache so I started with the pain medication because I didn't want to be crying halfway through the evening. That wouldn't look good AT ALL. I have to say,  that at this point,  I had mixed emotions about going. I wanted to see my old  friends but I was really starting to hurt and I knew it was only going to get worse.  

I got to the hotel and sat at a table with some dear friends that I'd known for years. It's amazing how you can pick up right where you left off and feel like you haven't skipped a beat. The friends I grew up with are pretty amazing and I really miss them. Funnily enough, one woman's sister has Fibromyalgia and a pretty severe case of it. I offered to talk with her and I only hope that I can help her realize that she's not alone with this disease.  Anyway, I got up and went to the bar to get a diet coke and passed a group of women talking with a guy. I turned and looked and recognized my daughter's (almost) dad.  What I mean is the man I ran into was such a part of my daughter's life. His children and my daughter grew up together. After my husband and I got divorced we grew apart. It has been literally 20 years since I've seen him and it was wonderful! We saw each other at the same time and I don't think the smiles could have gotten much bigger! We talked, got caught up on the latest and promised each other that it wouldn't happen again. I even got my daughter on the phone so she could speak with him. She absolutely considered him her second dad!  It made my night!

Then I kept looking for one of my dearest friends and couldn't find him. We have kept in touch and it's one of those kind of relationships that time doesn't affect. It doesn't matter if I see him once every ten years. It doesn't matter if I don't see him again. We are true friends of the heart. I kept looking around for him and then I got the news. It turns out he ended up in the intensive care unit. He came in for the reunion and ended up in the hospital. I went up to the hospital and his wife told me what had happened. He had a ton of inconclusive tests (i.e. expensive) and they came to the conclusion that it must have been his medication. Thank goodness he'll be alright.

So Sunday came and I was thoroughly trashed. I stayed in bed because I literally couldn't move. Every bone in my body ached. I got up to feed H and realized that I had no dog food. Crap. The last thing I wanted to do was get dressed and go out but I had to get food. So, I got dressed and went to Petsmart. While I was there I talked to the veterinarian and mentioned that H had a little cyst on his backside and asked what I should put on it? They said they had an opening and would be able to take a look at him so I ran home to pick up H.

That's when all hell broke loose.

When I walked in the door there was blood everywhere. I looked at H and it was coming from him. I gathered him up in a towel and ran back to the vet. That's when I got the news that he might have to be put to sleep. Now I'm not the type to be selfish and make the baby suffer so I can be with him but, for the life of me, I couldn't make the decision to put him down. The vet gave me medication for him and gave him some shots and sent me home. He said, "considering his age we don't want to get too aggressive but if it doesn't change in a week you will want to decide about euthanasia."

I lost it.

My little H. I just love this little guy. I have spent the last couple of days hand feeding him when he couldn't eat. I've washed his backside and applied the ointment and powder. I've prayed with every pill that the swelling would go down and he'd be okay. I just wasn't ready to let him go.

My prayers were answered.

This little baby is alert and the swelling is going down. He is starting to look almost normal. He's eating, drinking and walking so much better. This is such a relief. He's afraid of thunder and this morning he was at my bedside. I put him in bed with me and we snuggled under the covers. This was the best gift I could get. It was a major thunderstorm and I hurt like you-know-what but just knowing H was getting better helped me get through the pain of the morning.

I don't know that he's out of the woods yet. I know there must be something going on with him but he's happy and not in pain. I'll see what the vet says on Sunday. All I can say is that I have hope. It's been wonderful today watching him act like he used to.

Me?

I'm totally trashed. The humidity is 58% and that is enough to put me in crying mode. The pain medication is on double duty tonight. Between the humidity, the rain and the fact that my emotions were running high, this week has been a doozy.  I mean, how much emotion can one body take?

According to my body, not much.

The cardinal rule works.

I have pushed and I have paid. I have been pushed and pulled through joy, pain, fear and agony. 

Push me -  pull you.

I'm going to the couch now.