HOUSE OF CARDS

When the house you live in is built on chronic pain,

You live in a house of cards.

At any moment, when another card is placed on top,

the whole structure can fall apart.

I never realized I was in the construction business. Sometimes, on a daily basis, I am re-constructing the fragile house of cards that is my emotional make-up. It's a constant struggle to battle the darkness that threatens to envelop me on those days when pain is pushing me over the edge. 

How much longer do I have to deal with this?

I want to crawl into bed and put the covers over my head. I'll mindlessly watch movies and do anything I can to distract myself from the pity party I joined. I don't want to think about how much I've lost and I certainly don't want to think about my future. My future that includes a life full of pain. 

So I hide.

I have hiding down to an art form.

I feel so emotionally wrung out. The lows come out of nowhere and stay for days. Well, it's lasted for months and just when the fog starts to lift, the pain will start and the cycle begins again. 

It is a constant battle and I get so tired of fighting. I'm tired of fighting but what other choice is there? All I will say is that it's better than the alternative. I have to continue so I have come to accept and embrace the darkness as a part of my personality. It's become my friend since the onset of the accident that sent me spiraling into post-traumatic Fibromyalgia. 

I think it's natural to go there. How do you not succumb to depression when the pain keeps coming at you and doesn't let up? How do you not surrender to the dark side when this illness strips you of everything that you worked for all of your life? How do you keep the darkness at bay when you have changed so much that you don't even recognize yourself anymore? What do you say when no one else recognizes what you've become either? How do you keep from sinking when doctors and even your closest friends and family think this is all in your head?

What do you do when you hear that you shouldn't get the proper medication because you don't need it? How do you react when your body is screaming in pain and a doctor tells you to just stretch and apply ice? I heard that from a dear friend just the other day. What do you say when the people around you tell you to just get up and move around and then you'll feel better? What do you say in the face of blatant ignorance, gross negligence and insensitivity?

You have the knowledge that if you aren't vigilant the shadows will overpower you. The pain threatens you with the knowledge that it's stronger than you are and it can, at a moments notice, rear it's ugly head and take away your joy. It's the knowledge that you are standing on sinking sand. 

Suddenly, without warning, you've overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of it all.

What do you do? 

You crawl into bed and hide.

You hide in the shadows once again.

You cry.

You shut down.

You think you won't be able to take this another day.

But you do.

You keep putting one foot in front of the other and realize that you have no other choice. Even though every step hurts you keep going because underneath it all we still have this small glimmer of hope. 

And, most importantly, we still have each other.