NOW WHAT?

If there is one event that proves I'm not the same as I was, this is it. 

I was let go due to the fact that I could not achieve sales goals of 2-3 homes a month in a community in North Las Vegas. It didn't seem to matter that the traffic through the door was, on average, 2 people a week.  All I was asked is, "what are YOU doing to bring more traffic in the door?" 

If I sound angry, I am. This has not been an optimum position. There has been game playing and they effectively prevented me from earning a living. I had to have friends call and ask for me to see where the leads were going; and, trust me, they weren't coming to me.

So now I have to find something else. 

Back to my original premise. This would have NEVER happened before. Pain takes an unbelievable toll on your body, your personality and your stamina. I've said it before, how do you build a relationship with people that come through the door when everything in you really doesn't care what they do. All you want is for the pain to stop. 

This isn't the business to play around with personality issues. Your personality is what makes you money in this business. When something tinkers with that you lose money and now I'm not only losing money, I'm losing jobs. I don't have the stamina to deal with everything I have to deal with in this position. To top it all off, I have some clown in insurance telling me that I have the luxury of scheduling my appointments to accommodate my infirmity.

What a crock.

I'm still in pain only now I don't have an income.

Great.

Just great.

THE INVISIBILITY CLOAK

Pain  makes me want to be invisible.


I've gotten pretty good at it too.

My invisibility takes many forms. It can be the cloak that I hide behind so that only certain people can see the real me. It can also be the cloak that not only hides but protects me from hurt and pain. I can envelope myself in my cloak and it feels comfortable. Sometimes I concentrate so much on invisibility that I forget how much help I can be to even just one person. 

The Loretto Chapel in Santa Fe, New Mexico. It's said that the sisters prayed a novena to St. Joseph (the patron saint of carpenters)  for a carpenter to come to them to build a staircase. On the final day of prayers a man arrived looking for work on a donkey with some tools. Months later the man disappeared without thanks and without payment for his work.

This isn't just a staircase. It's a staircase without any visible means of support.

Did I mention that the staircase was also built without nails? It also  has two 360 degree turns.

In this life where fame is worth more than character a man built a staircase, a beautiful work of art, with no thought to himself. He left without telling the sisters his name so that he could be remembered so that all future generations would bear witness to his labor of love. He built his magnum opus not for what the world could see, but what God could see. He's invisible but what he left behind isn't invisible.

Maybe that's where we need to focus. What the world can see is temporal but what is inside, however scarred, is God's work of art. Pain makes us think inward when we should be thinking outward.

I've always said things could be a lot worse. Chronic pain is just that. It hurts to move, it hurts to think, it hurts to get out of bed, it hurts to sit down, it hurts to stand up, it hurts to type, it hurts to hold hands, it hurts to get hugged, it hurts to walk, it hurts to run, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. However much it hurts it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as the person who is learning to take his first step again after a stroke or an accident. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad as a parent  who has lost a child and must take the painful steps to a grave site. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad as people that are so riddled with cancer that pain medication no longer helps and they pray for God to take them home.

So when I move toward my special form of invisibility, I will try to remember that it isn't as bad as it could be. When I start toward the reinvention of myself I will remember that it isn't what the world can see but what God is perfecting within me. We may not be able to see what He's done in this lifetime but we all have a legacy that will remain long after we're gone.

WHY NOT EMBEDA?

What to do about pain?

Is it because doctors are afraid of abuse that they allow people to remain in pain? If that is the case why not prescribe something that has a fail-safe method? 

Embeda,  FDA approved, is an extended relief pain killer that could be used for people with Fibromyalgia pain. Embeda (morphine sulfate and naltrexone hydrochloride) is designed to discourage abuse if the medication is chewed up, dissolved or crushed which is what happens when the medication is used to get high.

Inside the Embeda is a small capsule of naltrexone which breaks open and destroys the high if the pill is used recreationally as described above. When the pill is swallowed the naltrexone passes through the body and a small amount is absorbed.

That part is exceptionally interesting due to the fact that Fibromyalgia patients have found relief using small amounts of naltrexone. This drug has not been tested for Fibromyalgia patients but it sounds logical that if doctors are afraid of abuse this drug would limit a fair amount of it.

I'm adding a link to the article.


Embeda extended release for chronic pain

NEW YEAR

New years day.


A time for reflection.


A time for resolution.

I really do try to keep my resolutions. I really do. I guess I'm just not a resolute kind of person. I make lists of things to do but, for some reason, I tend to forget that I have a list. Then when I forget that, everything else goes out the window.  It must be the brain fog that continually plagues me . 

Maybe this year I can remember that I want to lose the 25 lbs. that also vex my very soul. If it isn't bad enough that my self esteem has gone down the toilet, lets add a few pounds around my a** that will top it all off.

The immediate gratification problem has got to stop. I am addicted to peanut butter m&m's. I look at them and realize that they will end up right where I don't want them too but I feel powerless to control the craving. My endocrinologist told me this would happen until I got my thyroid under control. Salt and sugar cravings are a signal of hypothyroidism. I just think I should be stronger but it's a powerful craving. I wish I could forget these little buttons of joy just like I forget my lists. Right now, it isn't happening.

Tomorrow starts the diet day.

Tip #1

DO NOT BUY THE CANDY. IF I DON'T HAVE THEM I WON'T EAT THEM.

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH PAIN

I have a few tips to deal with the pain of Fibromyalgia.


Tip #1


A heating pad works wonders for the pain.

Tip #2




A heating pad combined with pain medication works wonders.

Tip #3

If all else fails.

Maybe now I can get some sleep.

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE AGAIN

Does it ever stop?

For the past few weeks I've been paralyzed. Again. 

And again. 

And again. 

I can feel myself being sucked down the rabbit hole and the dementers have taken my happiness. I feel cold. I just want to shut myself away. 

This isn't anything new. This has been happening to me off an on since my father died. All of a sudden my idyllic life was shattered and I realized that I was not immortal and that life could go away at a moments notice. It's a part of me that I kept buried underneath my laughter and a smile. I have never liked too many people knowing me too well. That "knowing" is only reserved for a select few. Some think they know me well but they have no idea that they've encountered the wall. They have no idea what's behind it and they never will.

The problem now is that since my accident nothing can be controlled. This is the same accident that is causing the pain of Fibromyalgia that has plagued my body for the last year and a half. This is the same accident that caused the pain in my lower back to spin into hyper-drive. This is the same accident that has caused my body to be on an out-of-control roller coaster and this is the same accident that the attorney's and my Fibromyalgia doctor say has done nothing to me. The pain, the headaches, emotional distress, I guess, is my imagination.

It comes on slowly. I start to notice that the smile doesn't quite reach my eyes. I have to reach into my stage presence and become the actor when I speak with people. I find myself not wanting to leave my house and resenting the fact that I have a profession that requires an intimate interaction with people. A new home salesperson has to reach a prospect on a gut level so they trust enough to open up to you about their needs. You won't reach anyone if the look on your face says, "I hurt like hell and I really don't give a s**t whether you're here or not." 

I also don't want this depression to affect my daughters joy. I especially don't want to worry her either. I don't have enough money left to go into therapy which I'm feeling that I need more and more every day. I still have a problem admitting this weakness to anyone. It's a little black raincloud that follows me about and just numbs me out. Sometimes in the back of my mind I wonder if it's all worth it and THAT scares me. I've never had that feeling before. Ever. My confidence has gone away and I'm in an emotional coma. I don't think I could make a decision on anything right now and I hide behind the Scarlett O'Hara syndrome: I'll think about it tomorrow. I don't know which  tomorrow will bring me out of all this so I can start dealing with everything that I'm facing right now, but, I can't do anything about that either. 

I know that sleep will be elusive. I crave it and can't have it. I look in the mirror and hate my face, my body and my hands.

I'm in the black hole and there's only a little bit of light so I can see. I know this is temporary but each descent into the black hole goes deeper and stays longer since this blasted accident. It's total b.s. that this has done nothing to me. I may have had minor symptoms before but it's different now. If I was close to the edge of the cliff before, the accident threw me off of that same cliff. I'm battered and bruised but I have to find some strength to face these emotional demons and banish them to never never land.

I'm just so glad that there is still light in the midst of the darkness.

CHRISTMAS EVE

It's Christmas Eve. 

What an evening it's been too. For the last two weeks I've watched my almost son-in-law stress out about asking my daughter to marry him. He's been adorable. He got down on one knee and asked her in front of the whole family. She, of course, cried through the whole speech. It was an unbelievable feeling watching her surprise and the tears of joy that streamed down her face. They are a wonderful couple and they'll have a great marriage.

It's also the one year anniversary of Mr. C's mothers death. He's doing well but it's been a rough year for him. I remember losing my parents and there are still days where the hurt of the loss is still there. I think the first year is the hardest and then it get's better from then on. 

Because the world of real estate still stinks I had to get creative with presents this year. I researched essential oils and I made bath salts for everyone. They turned out great and I actually had requests for more. 

Now to how I feel. Like crap. How's that for an answer? It's been cool out and the humidity was up. My hands and legs still have most of my pain and it hasn't stopped. The endocrinologist thought the pain might be from the thyroid but I've been on medication around 30+ days and I don't feel any different.  So it's back to the same thing; curled up with my heating pad, not sleeping and putting up with pain.

Merry Christmas to me and joy to the world.

For now, I think I just want a silent night.