STILL HURTING AFTER ALL THIS TIME

Ever since the injections,

I've had a very difficult time getting a handle on things.

A very difficult time.

I don't know why these days have been so trying or so difficult. Could it be the aftermath of the move and stress of these last months? Could it be the humidity and temperature fluctuations?  Could it just be one heck of a flare that decided to rear its ugly head? Or could it be from the injections that I was subjected to by the sadist.

Hmm.....so many choices.

Ever since the injections the pain has been horrendous. I'm used to living with a degree of pain everyday. I can even deal with it when it starts to rise but the pain I've been in since the injections is borderline intolerable. It feels like someone is taking jabs at all the joints in my body and hollowing them out with a dull knife, scraping and stabbing along the way.  It tends to be much worse at night. Great. I get through one set of adverse circumstances and jump headlong into another.


I'm curled up in the fetal position praying for it to stop.


I tried going to the gym but I couldn't even walk on the treadmill. Along with the pain I feel like I've got lead weights hanging all over me. So, the gym wasn't part of the equation this morning. The only thing I've done is stay in bed. 


Again.


I was thinking about turning this into a learning experience.


So what have I learned?


Never, EVER, do this again.

HELGA'S HOUSE OF PAIN

I have decided that anyone who sticks needles

in your back, and doesn't put you completely under,

is a sadist.

I was scheduled today for my annual epidural injections from my pain management doctor. Due to changes in my insurance, I had to change doctors and this is the first time that I am having this kind of procedure from this doctor. I'm sure he's competent but I need to put on my happy face and get it over with. Am I Pollyanna? Obviously not, however, I was resigned to getting the epidural injections and I was going to make the best of the situation. I've had them before and they helped for a couple of days and then it was back to the same old routine. The doctors, however,  seem so happy and excited to do them that I didn't want to burst their bubble; so I agreed. I've told them over and over that the injections aren't worth it but they still seem to believe that it will help relieve the back pain. 

Now, if they'd only listen and realize that the back isn't my only problem.....

I'd be home free.

They do seem to forget about the Fibromyalgia. Needles and problems with pain receptors do not have happy endings. I tell them that this is going to hurt more than usual but it's a mental fly-by on their part. Why do doctors do this? 

They just don't get it.

Fibromyalgia has been downgraded thanks to the Lyrica commercial. It's a pesky little fly that can be brushed off your shoulder. I mean, can the pain really be THAT bad? I mean, you don't look THAT bad so you must not be that bad. So, they start the IV and I'm getting relaxed. I figure I'll be out in less than ten seconds.

Nope. Didn't happen.

Then this clown takes this 6 inch needle and tells me I'll feel a little pinch. Is he fricking kidding me? I'm not out??? I nearly came off the table and he's telling me to hold on. Then he hit a nerve and I felt that lovely little electrical current right down my leg to the bottom of my feet. 

At this point my knuckles are turning white from the grip that I had on the table.

He hit the trigger points on my hips and then started on the other side. At this point, tears are streaming down my face. He had this look on his face that spoke volumes. It was a look that bordered between disgust and disdain. It kind of said, "suck it up." I can tell you that I will NOT do this again. 

So, as I'm waiting for the local to wear off,

I once again am waiting for pain.

No worries, I have plenty of movies.

I just wish someone would beat the crap out of "Helga" and then tell me it doesn't hurt.

I HEAR THE TRAIN COMING

Just when I thought that I saw,

the light at the end of the tunnel,

I found out that there was a train 

coming at me full speed.

I'm starting to get back to normal and just as I was starting to feel pretty good, it decided to get cold and rain. Then to top it all off I have a lovely little bladder infection. Now, I've heard that this is fairly common with Fibromyalgia but its been years since I've had one. 

I can tell you that it hurts. 

A lot.
That part I'd forgotten.

I was going to go with my girlfriend to see the Monet exhibition at the Bellagio but instead, I went  to the doctor. Still, I'm pretty impressed with myself because I'm in bed with a fever and I'm still writing. She came in the room and asked how bad I felt. Evidently, the infection was pretty severe and if I'd put it off any longer I would have had a real problem.

If I sound incoherent, blame it on the fever.

To top it all off next week I'm having epidural injections. I am not looking forward to those at all. This is the first time that I've had this doctor do this procedure and I'm a little nervous. All I can imagine is hearing "oops." Whenever I have something done, that's the first thing that goes through my head. Why do I always imagine the mistakes? I imagine the worst because we're dealing with the spine.The spine is definitely not the place to go oops. I'm pretty sure he's competent....it's just my nerves kicking in. 


Anyway, back to the bladder infection. I didn't realize that it was just another lovely symptom of Fibromyalgia. Is there anything that isn't a symptom??


I'm serious.


Let's see...........forget the obvious.......muscle pain, fatigue and the ever present fog. There is the sensory overload. Sensitivity to smells, light and noise. Bruising, hair loss and lipoma's. There is also nose bleeds, hemorrhoids, mottled skin, ingrown hairs and splitting cuticles. Let's not forget IBS, pelvic pain, abdominal cramps, urinary frequency. Poor balance and the inability to distinguish colors. Also, there is the tendency to have excessive sweating. Vision problems and headaches or migraines. Weight gain or weight loss and the carb and chocolate cravings. Urinary tract infections also run rampant in our bodies.


Let's not forget that we also cry at the drop of a hat.


With that list of symptoms along with the well known ones, is it any wonder that we cry? I cried just writing them. I mean it, is there anything that isn't a symptom? 


So just as I started feeling a little better about the move I got hit with this lovely infection. 


And I've just added more medications to the list of things I'm already taking.


Well, this gives me more time in bed.


I still need to answer those emails!


Did I ever really need an excuse?

EQUILIBRIUM, SORT OF

Equilibrium.

The fine art of balance.

Between holding on and letting go.

I've spent the last few weeks in hell. Moving, boxing, purging, throwing, giving and realizing that there is just a time to let go. I've started going through the thousands of emails and realized how fortunate I am that I have so many friends that sent me such wonderful notes of encouragement. I can't wait to get back to them and let them know how much that meant. I went through days in a literal blur. I felt like I was swinging back and forth and the swings were long and deep.

Finally, it's all over.

I've moved in and feel like my life is back to somewhat normal. Well, let me rephrase that. I've never been normal but I'm back to being me again. You know what's weird? All those things that I couldn't live without.......I don't miss. In fact, I couldn't even tell you what's in that huge POD that I packed. I still have way too much crap and when I finally unpack it I will probably toss a ton more. 

So I'm starting to relax.

Somewhat.


I think I need to put consistency back in my life. I've been neglecting the gym and I need to start hitting it every morning. It may hurt to get on that treadmill but it does help. Not with the actual pain but it helps my self esteem and it definitely helps the way I look it my clothes. I find comfort in schedules and predictability so, maybe, if I bring it back into my life I will feel better. 


I do hate one thing.
The bathtub.


It is beyond me how there is even a bathtub in existence on the planet that is so shallow that it doesn't cover you with water. How pathetic!! Plus the water pressure is almost non-existent. I think the water flow gauge on the shower head will have to be rebuilt. Also, there is hard water and I hate it. So let me get this straight, I hate the tub, I hate the shower, I hate that there isn't a doggie door and I hate that I can hear every noise in this place.


Do I sound like a ungrateful princess?
Yes.


Let me tell you.....the bath is one of my few real pleasures. I love to read and take long soaks in the tub. I had a spa tub and I was in it every night. It won't happen in this tub. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.


Hey!


I am getting back to normal!!


Whine, bitch, moan and complain.........


Yep.........back to normal!


Cool!

MONOPOLY DAYS AND NIGHTS

Moving and Fibromyalgia.

Do not pass go.

Do not collect 200.00
Fibro jail, here I come.

I've gone through a whole house that I've lived in seventeen years. I've purged (some, not enough) and I've thrown (again, some.....not enough) and I've boxed. I really hate moving and I especially hated this move. 

But I'll get over it.

I finally got my bed moved and last night I had enough. I couldn't do one more thing. I've pushed my body to its limit and it was too much. There is something about stress and how it affects your body. When Fibromyalgia is involved, however, all bets are off. You cannot do this without stopping to decompress. 

The problem is that I have very high standards for myself. My personality has really shown through during this move. I've become very pissy and I wanted things done. Did I also mention that I wanted it done yesterday and preferably in alphabetical order? Oh, come on.....who the hell puts moving boxes in alphabetical order?

Me.

Is that ridiculous or what?

The other thing this move has done is that I'm very unsettled. I don't like change that much and this change has been a doozy. I know that I need to look at this as moving forward but I can't get there yet. I can say it in my head but it hasn't reached down into my heart yet. Plus, there are little things that are tough to get used to. First of all, get this.......I have to get up in the morning and walk my little baby dog. He's had a doggie door and now I have to put on his leash and venture out for a morning walk. Now, I'm not a morning person and this dog definitely is. His little fanny wags in excitement for the opportunity to go outdoors and do his thing. I mean, I wouldn't like it if he stood in front of the bathroom door and made me wait but moving first thing isn't my strong suit. It's such a little thing to make him happy but........

My body has slammed me against the wall and shouted, "STOP!"

I better listen to it.

Because this time it's not kidding.

Maybe I'll feel better when I get cable.............