JAR OF HEARTS

Just when I think I've got a handle on my life.
Something comes up.
And it proves that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

You know.......I've learned how to handle pain. I've accepted that I have to find a different direction for my life. I've even tried to put the past behind me. I've congratulated myself that I was able to feel like I've buried one of the most hurtful situations of my life and moved on.

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

My daughter asked how I felt about this particular issue. I really thought that I could take a highly charged emotional issue and put it aside. Running into it head on proved to me that there are some things in this life that will stay with me for my whole life and there isn't a thing I can do to change that. 

I don't even think I want to try.

My daughter and I are practically cloned. When we give our hearts, either to some thing or someone, that's it. I don't know whether that kind of intensity is a good or bad thing. For her, it's very good. She has found the love of her life and they will both do everything in their power to keep it alive and stable. They have a love and respect for each other that's obvious to the people around them. It's not just the honeymoon phase that I'm talking about. It's a deep regard and love that has them putting each other first and foremost. Not to say that they haven't had issues but they have a commitment and their word is their bond. Nothing on this earth could make them break that vow they've made to each other. 

It's truly a beautiful thing to witness.

I've experienced loss; of my parents and the loss of the people that I've loved more than life itself.  I've felt gratitude that I've had the good fortune to feel that kind of love for another person. When it ended I thought the earth was going to open up and swallow me whole. It didn't and I didn't wither and die even though I felt like I would. 

Now I've found out that I didn't move on like I thought I did. I've opened myself up for another dose of that soul-sucking feeling all because I got curious. Well, you know what they say about curiosity. That saying is absolutely true. Whenever I get curious I get in trouble. I have this penchant for putting everything to rest and it takes a great deal for me to do that. Fortunately, I don't normally make the same mistake twice.

I'm not going to dwell on it either.

For once in my life I'm not going to push the envelope. I'm going to keep my little Miss-fix-it hands out of it and trust that life will work itself out. 

I like to say that.

Have I ever done it?

"Go with the flow" is not my forte.