TIME TIME TIME

Look whats become of me.


I can't believe it!

Where has this year gone?

It could be that I've spent most of this year in a pain-induced brain fog followed by a mother of a fibromyalgia flare up. I don't know how I got here or when but the year is gone already. Oh my. The weather has turned and I'm back to rubbing my cold, aching hands. Actually, today, my whole body is aching again and it's not just a dull ache.

Voodoo pain is back. With a vengeance.

It's been touch and go. I just want one week where I'm not taking up residence in a doctors office. I would like to have more good days than bad days and I don't want to have to take Lyrica to get there. Between the thyroiditis and the inactivity of the fibro my metabolism is in a coma and it won't take very much to have it kick the bucket completely. All I need is a medication that shows one of it's main side effects is weight gain.

No thank you.

I really am trying to be thankful even though I sound like I'm being a kvetch. ( you gotta love yiddish ) I really do have a part of the brain that knows it could be worse. It's just this self-image thing that keeps popping up when I see the 25 pounds on my body in the mirror. That will kill me every time. I know I'm not perfect but I want to be my criteria of perfect and that means taking off this weight that is now plaguing my soul.

Does everyone else feel the way I do? It would be nice to know that I'm not crazy and whining and moaning for nothing. Fibromyalgia is sneaky. Fairly good one day and crashing the next. I wish it would make up it's mind.

So for now as the fall returns and the year is coming to an end I can look forward to the holidays and spending time with the people I love and pray that next year I will have more good days than bad ones.

I need to get the doctor off the speed dial.

THYROID CRAPOLA

All I know is when you have coffee, diet cokes, tea, celery, chicken and a little bit of sweet potato roasted with olive oil and salt and pepper YOU SHOULD LOSE SOME WEIGHT.

I know one of the side effects of hypothyroidism and the Hashimoto's thyroiditis is difficulty in losing weight, but this is so frustrating.

What do I have to do?

Starve?

Diets suck.

This sucks.

JAIL BREAK? PLEASE?

Sometimes you feel like you're a prisoner in your own body. You don't know where the pain is originating from. You can't pinpoint it.

It is always there.

Some days are better than others. The trigger points are so tender to the touch. I would have never believed it. Everything hurts to be touched. I feel like there is an extreme amount of pressure when I'm hardly being touched at all and ALL of them hurt.

I guess my central nervous system is on hyper-drive. Great. Just one more thing that's haywire. I can handle the dull ache. Pain medication seems to take the edge off that. It's the migrating voodoo pain that jumps up and slaps you in the face that I find so life altering. You just start to act "normal" (which I've never been) and the pain decides you need a gentle reminder of what your new life is to be. This I find hard to accept.

What I find fascinating is that accident or trauma can trigger this disease. This makes sense, at least in my case. I could handle my back pain before the crash. I always knew that once or twice a year my back would twinge and I'd be laid up a week. No problem. Since this accident a year and a half ago, something changed. My work life and personal life could no longer be "handled." I've felt different and everything has fallen apart.

The brain fog, the constant pain makes working with contracts impossible. I have to read and re-read. I forget things and that is not a real impressive attribute for a sales agent to have. It's the feeling of always being off balance. It's trying to smile so no one knows that you're ready to scream from the pain. It's always wanting to be normal when you're feeling anything but. This is already an invisible disease and to constantly make explanations about how you feel is so draining. Then to top it all off you constantly hear, "well I'm tired too," or "just get up and move around and you'll feel better."

The problem is that the domino was tripped when I got hit and NOTHING has been the same since. I've spent fortunes on doctors and tests and tests and more tests. The last round of blood work clocked in at over $6000.00. I can't continue like this and wait for a group of insurance doctors to decide whether I was "really" disabled while working at my former company. Oh yes, I love watching my career go down the toilet along with any money that I had left after all these months not working. Yep, it's just all fun and games.

I'm at a crossroads and I guess I'll find out which way I have to go.

I've never been good at directions.

PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL MUMBO JUMBO

I think that certain people can make you sick.


Really physically sick.

I think people put forth a vibe that causes you to react physically. In the same vein certain people comfort you, can cause all kinds of physical reactions so if they can cause good chemical reactions why not the opposite?

I've met people that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. They give off a really creepy and scary vibration.

I've met people that say they love you but you physically know that's not the truth. Your body reacts and if you listen to it you can learn a great deal about people. We have a sixth sense that we should let come through. Is it a perception of a fleeting expression that we didn't even know we noticed? There are plenty of phrases that describe these kinds of feelings. Pain in the neck, gut feeling, hot under the collar or gave me the heebie-jeebies just to name a few. These are illustrations of actual feelings that can occur when first meeting people.


Intuition comes from deep within us. Is it just our brain rapidly going through our internal file cabinet and reaching a decision based on something or someone in our past that gave us a similar reaction? Do we have understanding or just feel the emotion?


I've had feelings about people since I was a young girl. I've had emotional responses to people and places. One of the spookiest was in Omaha and Elmwood Park. I had a chilling response to a certain place and made my date leave the area. We found out the next day someone had been killed in the park. Coincidence? I've had that feeling a couple of times and I've learned to listen to those feelings.


I don't know whether it's intuition or having certain traits of an empath. I do know that people do open up to me and end up saying, "I don't know why I've told you the things I did. I don't do that with anybody." Is that an empath? I know that I can feel the emotions from people and can tap into them. I don't know if that's what I am but I know I can feel what is going on with people. Is it the gift of discernment?


Sometimes in a relationship I've stayed when it was just an emotional tap. I do believe those types of relationships can make you physically ill. It just drains your body until your immune system is compromised. Staying in stressful situations or around people that stress you will just wear down your body.


I think we need to be still and listen to what our minds and our bodies are trying to tell us.


It could save us from heartache.


It could save us from illness.


It could just save us.

PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE

We all have experiences that have shaped us. Some are good, some are not. We look back on the ones have hurt us. We will do anything to keep that hurt dead and buried. It's a good thing to look back with the proper perspective. We should look at it as if we were advising someone else. It's only possible if we can remain indifferent. One positive note is that it is the acknowledgement of these things that keep us safe in the present. It makes us more cautious about who we trust.


If you burn your hand while playing with matches, the next time you use them you'll be very careful when you light the match.

There comes a time when you have to turn around and look at your past and decide if it's going to dictate your future. We can't do anything about the past experiences that we had but we can do something about today. Some of the problem is that everything is colored by the past and we don't want to test it to see if we'll still have the same reaction. So the cycle continues and the past continues to haunt us. We miss some of the joy of the present. If we keep looking at the match as something that burns us, we'll miss the warmth of the fire it makes.

So we move on and hopefully let the past stay where it belongs. In the past. My hope for myself is that I learn a little self forgiveness and stop letting the past color my present and and learn to stop second guessing my future. I should let God do what he does best and stop thinking that I know for certain what that is. I have to learn to stop kicking myself and move on. I don't have a lot of regret. I mean, I wish I hadn't done some of the things I did and I've been ashamed but regret? Not so much. After all, I have learned something from my mistakes. Hopefully, I've learned enough to not make the same mistakes twice.


Let's hope so.

NOT A GOOD EVENING

OW.
OW.

OW.

This is the second bath I've taken since I got home. For some reason the pain is out of control tonight. It's that voodoo pain that I've written about before. The pain that has the power to bring you to your knees or, in my case, curl you up in a fetal position praying for relief. I feel like I'm handcuffed by the pain and I can't break free.

It jumps up and smacks you so you know it's there, then it increases it's intensity and if that's not enough it migrates so you don't know where it will go next. This is the pain that you pray the muscle relaxers and pain medication will help. I've gone on the supplements and tried visualization. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. Since I'm so attached to my heating pad I think I'll name it Chris Pine. I know, I know.....but allow me to be a cougar if only with my heating pad!

So far no good.

I'm going try to get some sleep but then I notice it's only 8:15. How pathetic. I don't want to go to sleep this early but the only thing I can do is get in bed and curl up so that I can try to forget how much I hurt right now. I've tried to think what could have triggered an episode that came on so suddenly. I don't have any answers. This pain has a mind of its own.


I think I'll make my own weather forecast. There's a 95% chance of whining, bitching, moaning and crying due the pain front advancing from the north. Clearing whenever it feels like it. A true 5 day forecast is a complete mystery. Scattered clouds due to the brain fog clearing by morning. Increased sleeplessness and grogginess by morning.


Hopefully in the morning it will be better. See!?


I still have a shred of optimism left.


Did I say I was also a hope freak?

I'LL HAVE A MOCHA JAVA VODKA VALIUM LATTE PLEASE

It's beautiful outdoors.

A slight breeze and slight warmth. Just enough to stand outside and feel the heat seep into your bones. What I wish is that my hands would stop hurting. I need to NOT stress out over stupid things.

I looked down at them and see hands that for the first time in 30 years have short nails. I talk with my hands so seeing short, stubby nails doesn't do my disposition any good. I want so badly to go back and have nice looking hands again but I can't. To sit that long and have the process done would be excruciating and I don't have the tolerance for it. I wish for it and I want it but I just can't do it.

Why does this pain settle in my hands and feet? There is pain everywhere but I'm forever rubbing my hands. I run my hands under hot water to get some relief. I know that thyroid problems can make your extremities run hot and cold but is this a marker for Fibromyalgia also? The trigger points are a major problem because any pressure put on them at all hurts like hell. The last massage therapist said that was the only way to work out the knots that are present all over my back. Like hell it is. If she wasn't going to do a very light massage I would have left. As it was she got a little pissy because of my attitude.

Let's look at that. I live my life in constant pain. Portions of my body hurt more than others, especially the trigger points and she is telling me she has to work them out? This has to be done gently with lots of heat otherwise it will just be a scream fest.

I've done some things though. I have a visual that is my zen place. It's a 50's woman with a big smile on her face and a perfect flip to her hair. She has her head cocked to one side and the caption reads, "life is so much better now that I've realized that I just don't give a f**k." This is the visual I try to summon at will so I don't go off the deep end thinking about my health or my life for that matter. I know it could be a lot worse. I know that with my head and my heart but on a moment to moment basis it's hard to keep that in mind.

I have been called an over-reactor. Really? YA THINK??? Of course I am and so is my daughter. I only hope that once she has children this characteristic will lessen with each generation. Unfortunately, that is a pipe dream. I stress out and come unglued over the dumbest crap. Why is that? In the whole grand scheme of things does it really make a difference? I like the 10 rule. In 10 minutes, 10 hours, 10 days or 10 years will this make a difference? I can only call on this AFTER I've settled down. I can calm down and become type B. There's just a few parameters to this and it usually involves water.

I would like to sit outside and watch the sky. I would like to sit on a warm sandy beach and listen to the waves come into the shore. I say I would like to do these things and you might think I'm a solitary soul but, in truth, I'm not. I would like to do this with my favorite people beside me.

We can't forget the dogs.

I want to really learn what they try to teach us.

When loved ones come through the door, run to greet them with all you have. They're your pack and they give you all you need. Run, play and work hard then rest. Sleep in the contented knowledge that you have all you need.

( also, take a once over at the food in the garbage...........)