Ever feel like you were walking on a high wire and you needed to keep your balance so that you didn't fall? That's what life with a narcissist is like.
This didn't start out being a blog about narcissism. This is just a point in my life that needed mentioning. I had so many questions. There was, for me, no closure. Don't misunderstand, there was the final curtain, but there was so many things I needed to figure out and so many things that I wanted to say. I just never had an opportunity to say them.
This is my understanding and a platform to say what I could never say. When I opened the door writing about this fiasco it opened up all sorts of feelings. Once I started writing about it I couldn't stop until I got it all out. Recovery took a long time and I'm sure that there are parts of me that will always be cautious for a very long time and, maybe, that is a good thing. This is something I'd never want to repeat in this lifetime. Fortunately, I caught this before it was too late. The damage was great enough as it was, let alone if it had gone farther.
You can't beat what comes of a normal and healthy relationship. It is loving and good and caring. Trust and honesty is the foundation it's built upon. It is consistent, reliable, dependable and predictable. Most of all, it's honorable. He can temporarily show these traits but not for very long. Quite simply its because these traits are not a part of his character. I've been fortunate to find that out but I know there are women that haven't been as lucky. It didn't start out this way. I never thought I would have been involved with this man. I cannot and will not make excuses for my behavior. I should have run the other way. I should have slapped his face instead of feeling like I was in a Grace Kelly movie when he pulled over on the side of the road and kissed me. Yes, that really happened. He later told me that he liked doing that because "it was immediate, deliberate and he knew how many were in the box." That should have given me a clue right there.
Premeditated and calculating.
What was I thinking?
My self esteem was beaten, battered and bloody. I guess I was perfect in that respect. I needed someone to tell me that I was beautiful and what I needed more was to be needed.
I got that in spades.
In me he got the absolute adoration that he craved. I believed it all and I believed I was different. I believed that he was a poor soul drowning in a sea of neglect. I became addicted to the person that I thought he was; the person that he had created just for me. Smoke and mirrors and sadly, an illusion.
When I would say something about God he'd say, "don't call me by my first name." I would laugh at that but looking back, he was deadly serious. He loved to tell me how he had created me, the person that I had become. He really thought that he was responsible for me being me. Creation is a fitting occupation for someone that thinks he's God. Isn't that the height of arrogance? He believed he was unique and above everyone else. He wanted absolute control as well. Thus began my entrance into the world of the narcissist.
I bought into it and paid dearly.
Most people think of narcissists as the "pretty boys." I'm sure this can be the case but it goes beyond physical appearance. This man didn't fall under this category AT ALL. He became better looking the more we spoke and the phone was his greatest asset. He becomes your knight in shining armor. He becomes the only man who gets you. He becomes entwined in the very fabric of your being. Why, you ask? Because he can and that is what gets him off.
He becomes enamored with the romance phase of any relationship. He LOVES the chase. He will pursue, pursue and pursue until you look at him with adoring eyes. He's like a little boy jumping up and down in anticipation of a Christmas present. He's on his best behavior but like that little boy, he becomes bored easily. Fantasy relationships do not figure out who makes dinner, or look like crap when you've been sick. When it becomes real he starts getting itchy feet.
If you do try to leave he will come after you. I remember a time when I had really had enough. I felt strong and then cried my eyes out for weeks only to get a call at the precise moment that I was gluing back the shattered pieces of my emotional well being. I realized that if you try to start a new life he will begin anew. After a while you'll be doubting your own sanity. Every once in a while he'll drop the mask and you'll catch it. You'll catch a glimpse of the man behind the mask. You'll shake your head in disbelief and wonder, "what the hell just happened?" This will stay with you but you'll think you're crazy for ever thinking something is wrong.
It's too good to leave and it's too bad to stay.
He flies under the radar just enough for you to miss the signs.
His words ensnare you. He watches you with an intensity that is both staggering and thrilling. No one has ever paid the attention to you that he does. What you don't know is that he's casing the joint. He will know what you do and why you do it. Why has no one spoiled you and paid attention like he does? This attribute does not go both ways however. He doesn't like it when you know too much about him or his activities. You can tell him how you're feeling and he stares off into space. He has a gift for getting people to talk and divulge their secrets and you think it's a two way conversation but looking back; you're the only one who's really doing the talking. He's like a sponge absorbing it all in. He has nothing inside of value to give. It's all show and no substance. Everything is designed so that people look up to him because he needs to be elevated above mere mortals.
He didn't like anything that could usurp his absolute position as God in your life. He doesn't like it when your children need you, your dogs need you, your friends need you, your work needs you or your health needs you. If you need reassurance he'll tell you something vague like, "I'll always be here for you." There is nothing in there of true and sincere nurturing. Well, let me rephrase that........it will be there for a moment........but if it goes on too long....get over it.
He became furious that I couldn't stop questioning his answers. He made some lame excuse and told me I was imagining things. Remember: deny, deny, deny. When I would press for answers he would ask how long I was going to bring it up. He had denied the allegation so that was the end of it. It was in the past. There seems to be a theme here. He can reach into the past and bring up with astonishing clarity quips and quotes that you gave him and slap you in the face with it but if you ask questions........well, that's not allowed.
What really sunk this was when I challenged him. He would become the martyr and he'd say that it was always his fault. I will say, he's got the pitch down well. I was always Miss Perfect. He threw it all back at me. I'd walk away thinking about why he did this. Why? Because he can. He is NEVER wrong. Oh, he'll make mock apologies but he'll never say "I'm sorry." He will just say he doesn't feel real good about himself. What? He really believes that he's right. He can justify any behavior by throwing it all back at you. You fell asleep at the wheel and made him a lesser priority than your job, your health, your kids etc. It's always reactive. You made him behave the way he does.
Any kind of emotion that makes him uncomfortable or is unplanned gets categorized as drama. I was always a drama queen. If he couldn't measure my reaction or get the one he planned on, it was my character flaw. It seems I was incapable of handling him without drama and all he wanted was peace in his life. Never mind that he could be horribly rude and a bully but he wanted peace. He was absolutely clueless that his behavior caused all the upset. It's just not the infidelity and the lies he creates that's so disturbing. It's the justification and rationale that goes along with it.
You made him do it. He will never change because to him there is no problem.
The problem is YOU.
Think of an onion.
It is flavorful.
It tastes great in food.
The more you peel the layers the more you cry.
